Don't Give Up Before You Get Started

My last undergrad course before applications go in....and things were looking precarious to say the least.

Stay Ready So You Don't Have To Get Ready: I Did Neither

Post-the dissolution of my longest relationship and first domestic partnership in a state we both moved to without a support system, a complete re-build was in order. I knew I could not achieve any tangible success academically while putting the prices of myself back together. This lead to a timely sabbatical of sorts- a semester of simply healing and feeling. The first few months were dark, of course. But, eventually, that power a woman harnesses during these periods became empowering! I enjoyed learning more about myself an building up a community of support; something I had neglected to do while in my covid relationship. I invested time into making friends, pouring into friends, picking up hobbies, and transforming my environment into something that could continue to aid in my healing process. I accepted that not every season will I make strides towards my ultimate goals. But, how could I ever expect to achieve anything of note if I myself was not fully present to endure the marathon? This was a painfully beautiful lesson in putting myself first. Life is like the first day of Spring and I will never lose sight of that again. For anyone or anything.

After taking the semester off to recover from what I can only describe as heartbreak, I knew it was time to get back on track, but I was not ready. Putting school to the side for one semester felt necessary, but in reality I only did that because I knew if I didn't the opportunity to let the pain distract me would be too great to gamble. Little did I know you cannot put a timer on healing. So, I signed up for class- late. Ended up in cell bio- a class I had successfully avoided my entire undergrad career because I always heard it was so boring and so hard. And got stuck, yet again, in a MWF class- with a full time job going in person twice/week. Can you hear my eyes rolling? I was fed up before I even started. There lied my shackle and I didn't even realize it... until my last week of class.

The whole quarter I was struggling- struggling to get the reading done before class, struggling to keep my boss from axing me at work, struggling to sleep through the night so I could run this horrible saga back day after day. I found joy in entrepreneurship ventures... taking more time and opportunity away from my academic success. Nonetheless, paying for your own education with money that could've been going to a trip is one hell of a motivator, baby. I went to office hours each week, never missed an assignment and at least skimmed all the readings before class. I sat in the front, I asked questions, the professor knew me... but I'm sure he also knew as well as I did that for some reason none of that was helping my exam scores. By the end of the third exam I had basically given up hope. The price of a whole trip to Europe, down the drain. And finally, one of the planets hopped into retrograde and I decided to take control back of my own narrative. I knew the outcome I needed and devised a plan to get there.

Rewarded Procrastination

Between my third exam and my final exam, I decided to cut the distractions cold turkey. The insurmountable pressure of pending failure was too great to let that be the legacy I carry with me to the admissions committees. But at the same time, I had not forgotten the deep intrinsic value friendship and community brought to my life during my semester of healing and feeling. Ahead of a weekend sleepover with my bestie in LA, I procrastinated a work deadline late into Friday night and proceeded to fall asleep with my iPad still bright as a night light laying next to my open textbook. Me and rest had been in a prolonged fist-fight that whole week with no end to the match in sight. I knew I had to make time for her (which is subsequently making time for myself) and to finish this last week of class.

As many mornings during this season, my day started off at 8 am with dance class, a non-negotiable in my wellness maintenance at this point. From there, I made it to her house to drop my change of clothes and my worries by the door (see aforementioned door in photo below). We yapped, we plotted, we schemed. The usual. I could feel the energy rising from my planted feet up through my shoulder blades as I sat on her couch and experienced the moment. As she retreated to the bathroom to begin her pre-party beauty ritual, I felt compelled and finally ready to open my notes! So, I did. There I sat, locked in, AirPods on high, Ollie cuddled next to me, reviewing each chapter one by one. A hour or so in she glides around the corner asking... "Are you studying?" To which I nodded and we both went back to business, one not more important than the other might I add. But both endeavors we felt compelled to complete.

By the time she was ready for her function, I had dissected two of the six chapters for my exam. After I saw her out the door like a proud mama on prom night I realized that was the most effective and efficient study session I'd had all quarter. And I don't know why. The only thing I can attribute is the power of love and community. They say you can't pour from an empty cup and it's never rang more true.

Couch of my dear friend's studio apartment where I dragged the will to succeed in my final undergrad course from clean between the cushions. S/O to her, S/O to this couch. S/O to me.

She Knew She Could, And So She Did

After that session and my second dance class of the day, I traversed back to Orange County to prepare for my final Study Sunday. I posted up at a coffee shop in Crystal Cove and finished reviewing those final four chapters. My reward? Keeping my commitment to myself for Sunday Sunset Stretch, this week, at a new beach powered by an afternoon of Vietnamese coffee. I had an amazing time and even discovered a new pilates circuit I will be adding in each week. The more I explore, the more I find success everywhere I look. Including...this final.

Somehow, I ended up getting a HUNDRED on my final. Completely resuscitating my grade from the dead. Who ets a 100 on their final exam? Me. I never thought I could be that person, and now I AM that person. Final scores aren't out yet, but if my calculations are correct, ya girl got an A in the end.

I say all that to say- I counted myself out before I event got started and it almost cost me the race. Don't cost yourself the race. There's plenty of people and circumstances outside of your control plotting against you right now. Instead, throw so much blind faith in yourself that you won't even notice when those weapons fail to prosper. I am so proud of myself and I know, further more, I am on the right path AND I'm loving the journey along the way.

<3 Syd.